Tales of the Parodyverse

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Josh Clement
Mon Aug 22, 2005 at 09:28:16 am EDT
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #20, Now With Added Adult Content Warning
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #20, Now With Added Adult Content Warning

Pricilla DuBois, the Vermillion Vex, wants to make something absolutely clear: “Number one. I am not seeing Visionary socially. I am going away with him for the weekend for strictly supervillainous reasons. Number two, he is not my boyfriend, and at no time have we sat in any tree. Number three, I am only luring him away to a remote private location and keeping him distracted and blissfully happy as part of our ongoing plan to utterly destroy the Lair Legion and all that it stands for. Number four, I am not changing my name to Black Magic Woman no matter how many creepy cyber-geeks set up websites to campaign for it. And number five, if people do not stop leaving undressed Sea-Strike Visionary dolls in my bed then people are going to be walking around with horribly enlarged sphincters. Am I explaining these points clearly and concisely in a way you can understand?”

The Slug, pinned against the wall and choking on his own slime: *choke* “Yes, absolutely.” *choke*

Flame-O, trying to put the fire out in his collection of 1970s John Travolta ephemera: “Very well put I thought. Really.”

Obo the Indestructible, accidentally superglued to the toilet seat: “Really, really sorry. Don’t make the outhouse explode, Pricilla. I’m indestructible but I can’t swim!”

Miragemind, whimpering because of the pants zipper accident: “And may we just say how unreservedly sorry we are for misinterpreting your professional behaviour in such a crude and boorish manner.”

The Vex: “Just so we are all absolutely clear then. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to brief Fatale. She’s the one who has to impersonate Vizh while he’s secretly slipped away with me. She needs to know how to get to the Lair Legion’s computer system and discover the location of every anti-mutate base and holding facility for us. And then she had to find the Lair Kitchen to poison the entire team before setting the explosive charges to wipe out the Mansion. And also I need to pack.”


And at the very moment, in the unsuspecting Lair Mansion…

De Brown Streak: “You seem to be in a good mood, Visionary. Have we slipped into an alternate dimension?”

“Good mood? Well, it is Lisa’s turn to take a class for the Juniors, and Kerry has a new magnifying glass and paint-on accelerants. And then the Shoggoth is taking them to Lemuria for the whole weekend. And those toaster fragments have all been prised out of my wall, so there’s no longer a danger of secondary nuclear explosions. And I have an entire weekend to myself. Life is good.”

Uhuna: “You are humming to yourself, Vizh. And is that a new green sweater with a yellow diamond on it?”

Vizh: “What, this old thing? No, I’ve had it for ages.”

Uhuna: “Really? Only I’d have thought you would have taken the label off if you’d warn it before.”

DBS: “If only for safety reasons. You probably don’t want a tempting tag of paper dangling down behind you if you live in a house with Kerry.”

Vizh, changing the subject before they notice the new aftershave as well, “So, what are you guys going to be doing for the weekend? Anything special?”

Uhuna: “No. We will not even be having normal sex. Josh and I are having a sensible, mature, non-physical relationship which does not exploit our mutual fears, worries, and unbounded sexual urges.”

DBS: “That’s right. It is really very refreshing. Very, very refreshing. Refreshing.”

Uhuna: “Refreshing.”

DBS: “Refreshing. I know I’m refreshed.”

Vizh: “Okay. Well, if you’ll excuse me I need to go get ready. For not doing anything special either this weekend, I mean. Nothing at all. I’ll probably just hang around at home and repaint the toaster holes.”

Uhuna: “Refreshing.”


And back at the secret HQ of the Botherhood of Evil Mutates…

Morbido the Magnificent, Saviour of the Mutate Race and Most Homo Superiorist of All: “For the weekend? Going away for the whole weekend? With a boy?”

His daughter, the Vermillion Vex, puts on that innocent expression all daughters reserve for their fathers when discussing their boyfriends: “We’ll probably spend all our time hiking and cycling and doing clean healthy outdoor pursuits, father. You know I would never misbehave with a homo sapiens. Orwithanybody, of course.”

Morbido looks at the bag Pricilla has half-packed. It’s true that Pricilla hasn’t packed sexy lingerie or anything. In fact, a closer check would show she hasn’t packed any lingerie at all. “You seem to be taking along a fair amount of spreading chocolate,” he says.

“Those healthy long hikes can be very exhausting,” Pricilla assured him. “People underestimate spreading chocolate as an energy food.”

“And handcuffs.”

“Standard security procedure.”

“And a quarter gallon jug of baby oil.”

“I have very sensitive skin in those rough outdoorsy places. You wouldn’t want me to get all chapped, would you father? It would spoil our whole plan for world conquest.”

Morbido: “What about Josh? How will you keep him from being wiped out by Fatale with the rest of the Legion? There’s no point corrupting him to evil if he has to join the Botherhood in kit form.” Morbido gestures to his belt of body-bits, since his power is to use the mutate power of any dead mutate he’s touching. “I might as well have just strangled him at birth.”

Pricilla: “Don’t worry, daddy. I dropped a specially nasty vex onto him and his not-girlfriend when I met them. They’ll be quite busy for as long as they can manage without food and drink. The only danger might be friction burns.”

Morbido frowns. “I still say we could have just kidnapped Visionary using Miragemind’s illusions and quietly executed him. What if he gets fresh with you while you’re distracting him?”

Pricilla: “I’m sure a long soapy shower will calm him down. Er, a cold shower I mean, obviously.” She casually drops a sweater over the tubes of soap gel. She’s glad the edible bustier is at the bottom of the bag.

Morbido: “How do you intend to execute the hated Legionnaire anyway? There’s probably some more of that rare toxin that Fatale is sneaking into the Lair Legion’s food. Or I could just arrange for Jumbuck to come with you and gnaw his head of?”

Pricilla: “Honestly, father, I’m a grown woman now. I don’t need Jumbuck to gnaw people for me anymore. I’m sure I’ll find a cruel and unusual way to wipe out Visionary that’ll teach him not to be so nice, hapless, and innocent, with that stupid smile and the way his receding hair flops down over one temple, and the thing he does with his eyebrow when he’s confused, which is most of the time to be frank… Er, I mean, I’m looking forward to finding a way to horribly slaughter him and strike a blow for the mutate race. Yes.”

Morbido: “Well then. See that you do.” He frowns down at the little silver-foil packets stacked on the chair by the luggage.

“And I thought it would be a good idea to take along… party balloons,” Pricilla says quickly. “We can make animal shapes and things, to keep ourselves occupied. While we’re on our long celibate hikes.”

“I never knew that Durex made party balloons.”


And back at the Lair Mansion again…

Hallie: “Do you think Visionary is acting a little strange today? Only he is walking tall and hardly flinches when there are unexpected loud noises?”

Yuki Shiro: “I am sure he will be back to his usual twitchy self once the Juniors have finished their lesson with Lisa. She has been discussing ways of escaping prosecution for criminal assault on various technicalities. She is very educational.”

Dancer: “Many people have said so.”

Hallie: “Maybe it is just me being over-twitchy? I don’t understand why I haven’t been able to properly de-blue myself yet. The best I can manage is mauve, and then I clash with the Lair curtains. And somehow that’s causing secondary systems failures all over the mansion – the food processors, the security cameras, the front door bio-scanners…”

Dancer: “Maybe there’s going to be a thunderstorm? I’ll check with Donar. I’ve got a kind of low-grade headache as if somebody was dragging on the causal strings of probability to fatally distract us to our horrible dooms. Or else possibly it’s a hangover from my hot date with Abid last night. I think this time he is certainly the one, and we will love each other forever and ever. I called his number but I must have written it down wrong because it was disconnected.”

Hallie: “I think you should mention that to Donar also. He needs cheering up, and finding Abid should keep him busy for a while.”

Dancer: “Well, I’m glad Vizh is cheered up a bit. He deserves some happiness. We all deserve some more Happiness.”

Yuki: And on another subject entirely, isn’t Josh doing well taking care of Uhuna. I mean taking care of her with ‘taking care of her’? I’m proud of him. It’s a major step forward…”


And in the Lair swimming pool…

Uhuna: “We are mature, sensible people in a mature sensible non-sexual friendship. I do not see why finding all the swimming costumes have been infected with poisonous tropical mould should prevent us from taking a mature, sensible swim.”

DBS: “Exactly. At home in Trinidad we went without costumes all the time and it never lead to… well, sometimes it led to… actually, thinking about it, it always lead to…”

Uhuna: *splash!*

DBS: “But just because every other time I went skinny dipping with a scorchingly hot naked girl ended in heaving unrelenting sex doesn’t mean that it will this time. On the laws of average there’s a very strong chance that this will be the time it does not happen. I mean, that has to come up eventually, right?”

Uhuna giggles.

DBS: “The probability, I mean. The probability has to come up. Not anything else.”

Uhuna: “It’s a huge probability, Josh!”

DBS: “Mature. Sensible. That’s us. And swimming is a good form of exercise. Mature, sensible exercise.” *splash!*

Uhuna: “See Josh? We can totally cope with our feelings. We are in charge of them, not the other way round. Er, maybe you should make use of a different flotation devices?”

DBS: “Er yes, sorry. Instinct. I nearly slipped then.”

Uhuna; “Yes. I felt what I was nearly slipped. But we are mature, sensible people…”

DBS: “Yes. Sensible. Mature. In fact I could probably kiss you and it wouldn’t matter, since we are so sensible and mature.”

Uhuna: “I think you should. To demonstrate that we can absolutely control ourselves.”

DBS: “It’s an exercise in mature sensibleness, when you think about it. We should be proving that we have nothing to fear from our bodies pressing together under the water, your soft lithe form hugged tight against me firm, lean frame, our mouths joining in a long passionate exchange.”

Uhuna: “I am sure that would be for the best. To reassure us that we have nothing to fear. In fact, we could touch and kiss each other all over and we would still be able to be sensible…”

DBS: “Mature.”

Uhuna: “Very, very sensible.”

DBS: “And… you know… mature…”

Uhuna: “Yes Josh. Be sensible to me! Oh, make sense to me! Harder. Faster!”

DBS: “There’s just no funny tagline to end on here… but who cares?”

[To be continued… by Visionary!!!]



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